Separation

Posted by Barb

A Practical, Spiritual Approach to Parenting

By Barbara Sachs, PhD

Parenting from the sex act on is a movement of coming together and parting - ebb and flow. As people, one of the hardest lessons to learn is letting go. Yet as we get older, if we are lucky, we mature to realize that real loving is giving and real giving is letting go. Letting people be who they are, not who we want them to be. It is one of the most difficult tasks as a parent - to raise our children with structure and yet get out of their way. That is the paradox of parenting.

Parenting is a creative act when it becomes a source of inspiration and involvement with the question: What is in the best interest in the growth and development of this child’s personality and soul?

Parenting is scary because we really do not know what to do. There are no recipes to follow. I say this is the one profession for which we get no professional training. Most of us keep plugging along hoping all will be okay, usually parenting either the way we were parented or the way we wish we were parented. When we come from either of these options, we can not see our children as separate and distinct human beings with needs and wants that are different than ours.

Parenting is seeing our children as our teachers. In this way, the path of parenting becomes a two-way growing process. We have something to teach them about becoming who they are in this world and they have something to teach us by their very presence in this world. Each time our child says something to us that irritates us, angers us, makes us sad or triggers our sense of justice - that is a precious opportunity for us to grow. These triggers become opportunities for our growth if we use them to learn about ourselves, to understand why we got upset. What was triggered from our past? For example, my daughter came to me and said she was leaving for a birthday party. She had just come in from playing outside and was wearing shorts. She was six. I jumped on her and said she could not go to a birthday party dressed in dirty shorts. I was so upset with her that she questioned me. When I looked at my response, I saw I was responding like my mother and that it had nothing to do with the current situation. My daughter was right. I was acting as though she were an extension of me. What will others think if she comes in shorts instead of a party dress? I was being like my mother. I caught myself and said fine, have fun. By using this situation as a way for me to understand my responses, I grew.

When we first see our babies, we are excited but as time goes on, we have to admit to ourselves someplace deep down, we have no idea what or how to raise our children. We try our best, which is usually based on how we were parented. Getting help by talking to other parents, joining parent groups, working on yourself, and bringing into consciousness what you want for your children (values, what attitudes you want to engender, what fears you have, attitudes and beliefs about parenting, what is the relationship of the child to the parent) is doing something most parents do not take the time to do. Most of us wing it because we don’t have the guidance we need.

Parenting is setting limits and boundaries. Many of us are afraid to say “No” and set limits because we think we are being mean when the kids cry. Not so. Children need boundaries to push against to learn about themselves. As they get older and demonstrate they can handle a boundary, then we enlarge the boundary helping the child “grow” into greater responsibility within a “bounded field” that supports their needs to feel secure, be seen, and held. We wait until they show they are capable of handling this new larger boundary and then expand it. It is so very important to have boundaries, limits, I cannot stress it enough. It is also important that the child have freedom within that boundary to make their choices. Whenl my children broke a boundary we had to start over rebuild trust. Iit is always possible to rebuild trust.

Good parenting understands the developmental stages of our children so we do not interpret their growth away from us into the world as personal rejection. We can see it as age appropriate. Good parenting also understands the developmental stages of spiritual growth so we can mirror to them that they are a valued human being with many qualities. We mirror to them there is an inner world and that it is important to know it. We need to reflect back to them not only their intelligence, athletic ability, mental and emotional capabilities, but also their sweetness, determination, sense of justice, lovability, inner strength, and their ability to know, joy, humor, kindness, and compassion to name a few. All children need mirroring. What we mirror or not mirror will affect what they become.

As parents, we need to model the character we want to develop in our children. They learn by our actions, not our words. I think modeling openness and truthfulness makes for open communication. We may not like what we hear, but at least there is communication because you are open to hearing each other. When you really listen to the child and take in what they are saying, then you are teaching them to listen to you and others.

As parent we make mistakes. It is important to admit mistakes and appologize this shows respect for the child as a person. Children need to know their parents as people. Children MUST at some time in their life equalize you in order to come into their own power as a human being. This needs to happen at an age appropriate time.

Rituals are bonding for you and the child. Your legacy will live on in the child through rituals. These can add to the overall self-esteem of the child if the feeling tone was positive for them. Creating rituals that work for your family is important as rituals bond a family together.

These are a few of the lessons I have learned.